Female celebrities offer relationship secrets and dating advice for the opposite gender. Now maybe they’ll learn something.
Continue reading
Category Archives: Funny
Funny Jokes
Those Wacky Amish
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.
That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say?
He said the reflector is broken.
I can fix that in two minutes. What else?
I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…
Give The Man A Hand
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal…
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a close by man, ” Can you help me point my penis” ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, ” Hey! I’m grabbing it right”? ” So I should look, I have a right”!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hideous. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. ” What the hell is wrong with it ?”
The “armless” man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says “I dunno, but, I ain’t touchin’ it.” and walks away
Bob Would Never Cheat
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League,honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says,”Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries
desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”
Charity From A Lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
Fertilization
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
“What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m
celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!,” says the
woman.
“What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replied.
She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
5 Bucks Worth
Lil’ Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, “Collect… thatll be five dollars.” She says, “I’m a little short on cash, but if you want, I’ll give you sex instead.”Johnny says, “All right.”
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there’s the biggest wanker she’s ever seen…it’s huge for such a small kid. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his wanker.
She says, “You don’t have to do that…I can take all of it.” Johnny says, “Not for five bucks you can’t.”
Tax Audit
A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. ‘Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.’
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. ‘Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.’
Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. ‘Let me tell you a story,’
Replied the buddy.
‘A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. ‘Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’
The man protested: ‘What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?’
The buddy responded: “‘No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed”
Well Endowed
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…. you have no legs!” The old man smiled, “Therefore I cannot run around on you!”
She snorted. “You don’t have any hands either!” Again the old man smiled, “Nor can I beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. “Are you still good in bed?” With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Saving Dubya
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted (courtesy of the American Taxpayer, of course).
The first kid says, “I want to go to Disneyland.” George W. says, “No problem. I’ll take you there on Air Force One.”
The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan’s.”
George .W. says, “I’ll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!”
The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheel chair w/a built in tv & stereo/headset!” Bush is a little perplexed (by everything, actually) by this and says, “But you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”
The kid says, “I will be after my everyone finds out I saved you from drowning!!!”
Three Guys In A Bed
Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.
During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.
Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job.
The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing.
Just Desserts
A HUGE black guy walks in to a bar.
He goes to a little white guy and took his drink.
Then the black guy looks at the white guy and says “Got a problem with that?”
So the white guy says “You know what? I’ve been having the worst fucking day you can think of.
In the morning my wife told me that she is leaving me, than I got fired at my job, then I discover that my car got stolen, and now when I try to kill myself you drink my god-damned poison!”
How To Treat A Lady
1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say “could be better” this will keep her on her toes and girls love that.
2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)
3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.
4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If she is, say you better be. Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show her you care.
5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement and every girl needs some improvement.
6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because jewelry is for pussies and Asian ladies.
7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words “fuck you” and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.
8. Introduce her to your friends as “some chick”. Women love those special nicknames.
9. Warm her up when shes cold…and not by giving her your jacket… Then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say “if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now you’re going to be bitching about a black eye.” The best way to get warm is with fear.
10. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party’s dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.
11. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn’t girls?
12. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.
13. Every time you’re in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.
14. Give her one of your t-shirts……and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I’m talking about.
15. Titty twisters and plenty of them.
16. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.
17. Remember her birthday but don’t get her something. Teach her material objects aren’t important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get.
18. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know she’s coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one that much but I think it’s funny.
19. If shes mad at you for not calling her when you say you will promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call you’re going to tell her a special surprise. Now shell be really excited. Now don’t call.
20. Next time you are having sex, make sure you get off before she does, then get off her and leave. Girls love that.
The Mafia’s Accountant
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”
The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
Female Sponge Bath
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……
A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?
Bad Cat
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I’m lost! and need directions!”
Custody
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says, “Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me.”
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man replies, “OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?”
Drunk Vocabulary
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.
A Nun And A Drunk
A drunk walks out of a bar and sees a nun standing at a bus stop. He walks up to her and punches her in the face. When she falls to the ground he begins kicking her and screaming,
“You’re not so tough tonight are you Batman!”
World Cup Joke
A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.
“No,” he says. “The seat is empty.” This is incredible!” says the other man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
“Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1966 in London.”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
Women Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned and replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Who’s Guilty?
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 Oclock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside…
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
– Shit!, that must be my husband!
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
– Im your husband, you slut!!!
So the woman answers:
– Oh, yeah?!! And why were you fucking running?!! You son of a bitch!
Nick The Dragon Slayer
Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer…
Life As A Hen
Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Kenny, “and what are you doing in my
bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Kenny was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to
live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me
back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Kenny, “but I have this strange feeling inside
like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never
laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Kenny
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting “Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re shitting the bed!
Viagra
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your winkie. This is your winkie on drugs.
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”
Three Wishes With A Catch
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said,”That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Installing Carpet
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
”No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ”Here,” she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ”I found them in the hallway.”
”Now,” she said, ”if only I could find my parakeet.”
Men VS Women’s Showers
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-hoo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-hoo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Miscommunication
A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say’s hello.
He’s rather taken a back, because he can’t place where he knows her from, so he says “do you know me?” to which she replies “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?”
She said “no, I’m your sons math teacher.”
God’s Word
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people
who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22
and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open
letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the
Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the
odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I
have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine
claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can’t I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination –
Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree.
Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my
vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse
and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of
getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we
just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people
who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and
unchanging.
Your devoted fan,
Jim
Girl’s Night Out
The other night I was invited for a night out with “the girls”. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight “I promise!”
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “midnight”. He didn’t seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock”. When I asked him why he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said ‘Oh. Shit, then cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it’s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”
A Week In Hell
A man named Vinny dies and goes to hell.
The Devil says to him “Hey Vinny we’ve been waitin for ya!”.
Vinny smiles and walks with the Devil and the Devil says “I gotta ask you a couple questions, do you like to smoke?” Vinny answers “Ya, I love to smoke.” The Devil says “Good you’ll like Mondays we smoke everything cigarettes, cigars, weed everything.”
“Now do you like to drink?” Then Vinny says “Of course I love to drink.” The Devil replies “Great we drink everything on Tuesdays you will fit in great.”
“Do you like to have sex?” Vinny says “Hell ya sex is the best.” The Devil smiles and replies “We have sex with every type of woman you could think of on Wedesdays.”
And the Devil finally says “Now, are you gay?” Vinny frowns and answers “NO I’m not gay! And the Devil looks down and finishes “Your gonna hate Thursdays.
Cheating Condoms
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, “What happened to the other five condoms?”
His nervous reply was, “Er, I masturbated with them.”
Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, “Have you ever done that?”
“Yeah, once or twice,” he told her.
“You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom before?” she asked.
“Oh,” he said, “I thought you were asking if Id ever lied to my girlfriend.”
Famous Sex Quotes Part 1
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
— Robin Williams
“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
— Roseanne
“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
— Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
— Robert DE Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
— Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
— Rod Stewart
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
— Robin Williams
Famous Sex Quotes Part 2
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
— Sharon Stone
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.”
— Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
— Arnold Schwarzenegger
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
— Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
— Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
– Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor). Vegetable Garden
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbour’s garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and enquired of him his secret.
“It’s really quite simple,” the old man explained. “Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.”
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbour stopped by to check her progress. “So”, he asked, “Any luck with your tomatoes?”
“No”, she replied excitedly… “But you should see the size of my cucumbers!”
The Halloween Costume
One Halloween a little boy goes up to the door and rings the bell.
The lady opens the door, and the boy says, “Trick or treat!”
The lady says, “Well, aren’t you cute! What are you supposed to be?”
The boy, miffed because he thought it was obvious, says, “I’m a pirate!”
The lady, not realizing her mistake, says, “Well then, where are your buccaneers?”
The boy says, “Jeez, lady, they’re on my buckin’ head!”
Men Are From Mars…
Here’s a prime example of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” offered by an English professor:
The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me.
“The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students, Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F_KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch
(Rebecca)
F__K YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea – whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ – I really liked this one.
Poetry
Urdu Poetry
Ahmad Faraz
Aarzadgan-e-Shehar Ka
Ab K Rut Badli To
Ab K Tajdeed-e-Wafa ka
Ab Kiska Jashn Manatay ho
Abre Bahar Ab K Bhi
Aisay Chup Hain k Yeh
Ay Dil Un Ankho
Ay Khuda Jo Bhi Mujhay
Barha Mujhsay Kaha
Barson K Baad Daikha
Buhat Haseen Hain
Daikhay He Nahi Woh Lab
Dil Behalta Hay Kahan
Dil Girafta He Sahi
Dil To Woh Barg-e-Khizan
Ek Sangtraash
Ham To Youn Khush Thay
Har Ek Baat Na Kiun
Har Tamashai Faqat
Jism Shola Hay Jabhi
Jo Bhi Dukh Dia
Jo Ranjishain Thi Dil main
Job Bhi Dard-e-Dil hay
Joo Teray Koi Bhi Din
Khamosh Ho Kiun Daad-e-Jafa
Khawab Martay Nahi
Kia Aisay Kam Sukhan Say
Kis Bojh say Jism Toot’ta
Main Ek Barg-e-Khizan
Na Hareef-e-jan Na Shareek
Or Us Nay
Pathar Ke Tarah Agar Main
Qurbato Main Bhi
Ranjish He Sahi
Sab Log Liay Sang
Sehar K Suraj
Shagufta Dil hain K
Sitamgari Ka Har Andaaz
So Doorion Pay Bhi
Suna Tu Hay K Nigah
Tujhsay Bichar K Ham
Tumnay Dharti K Maathay pay
Wafa K Baab Main
Woh Chand Mera Hamsafar Tha
Woh Paiman Bhi Tootay
Yeh Meri Ghazlain
Youn To Pehlay Bhi Huay
PHOTOGRAPHY
Photography (IPA: [fә’tɒgrәfi] or IPA: [fә’tɑːgrәfi][1]) (from Greek φωτο and γραφία) is the process, activity and art of creating still or moving pictures by recording radiation on a sensitive medium, such as a film, or an electronic sensor. Light patterns reflected or emitted from objects activate a sensitive chemical or electronic sensor during a timed exposure, usually through a photographic lens in a device known as a camera that also stores the resulting information chemically or electronically. Photography has many uses for business, science, art and pleasure.
Lens and mounting of a large-format camera.
A historic camera: the Contax S of 1949 – the first pentaprism SLR.
Nikon F of 1959 – the first 35mm film system camera.
The word “photography” comes from the Greek φώς (phos) “light” + γραφίς (graphis) “stylus”, “paintbrush” or γραφή (graphê) “representation by means of lines” or “drawing”, together meaning “drawing with light.” Traditionally, the products of photography have been called negatives and photographs, commonly shortened to photos.
The discipline of making lighting and camera choices when recording photographic images for the cinema is dealt with under Cinematography
Contents
|
Function and cameras
The camera or camera obscura is the image-forming device, and photographic film or a silicon electronic image sensor is the sensing medium. The respective recording medium can be the film itself, or a digital electronic or magnetic memory.
Photographers control the camera and lens to “expose” the light recording material (such as film) to the required amount of light to form a “latent image” (on film) or “raw file” (in
digital cameras) which, after appropriate processing, is converted to a usable image. Digital cameras replace film with an electronic image sensor based on light-sensitive electronics such as charge-coupled device (CCD) or complementary metal-oxide-semiconductor (CMOS) technology. The resulting digital image is stored electronically, but can be reproduced on paper or film.
The movie camera is a type of photographic camera which takes a rapid sequence of photographs on strips of film. In contrast to a still camera, which captures a single snapshot at a time, the movie camera takes a series of images, each called a “frame”. This is accomplished through an intermittent mechanism. The frames are later played back in a movie projector at a specific speed, called the “frame rate” (number of frames per second). While viewing, a person’s eyes and brain merge the separate pictures together to create the illusion of motion.
In all but certain specialized cameras, the process of obtaining a usable exposure must involve the use, manually or automatically, of a few controls to ensure the photograph is clear, sharp and well illuminated. The controls usually include but are not limited to the following:
- Focus – the adjustment to place the sharpest focus where it is desired on the subject.
- Aperture – adjustment of the iris, measured as f-number, which controls the amount of light passing through the lens. Aperture also has an effect on focus and depth of field, namely, the smaller the opening aperture, the less light but the greater the depth of field–that is, the greater the range within which objects appear to be sharply focused. The current focal length divided by the f-number gives the actual aperture size in millimeters.
- Shutter speed – adjustment of the speed (often expressed either as fractions of seconds or as an angle, with mechanical shutters) of the shutter to control the amount of time during which the imaging medium is exposed to light for each exposure. Shutter speed may be used to control the amount of light striking the image plane; ‘faster’ shutter speeds (that is, those of shorter duration) decrease both the amount of light and the amount of image blurring from motion of the subject and/or camera.
- White balance – on digital cameras, electronic compensation for the color temperature associated with a given set of lighting conditions, ensuring that white light is registered as such on the imaging chip and therefore that the colors in the frame will appear natural. On mechanical, film-based cameras, this function is served by the operator’s choice of film stock or with color correction filters. In addition to using white balance to register natural coloration of the image, photographers may employ white balance to aesthetic end, for example white balancing to a blue object in order to obtain a warm color temperature.
- Metering – measurement of exposure so that highlights and shadows are exposed according to the photographer’s wishes. Many modern cameras meter and set exposure automatically. Before automatic exposure, correct exposure was accomplished with the use of a separate light metering device or by the photographer’s knowledge and experience of gauging correct settings. To translate the amount of light into a usable aperture and shutter speed, the meter needs to adjust for the sensitivity of the film or sensor to light. This is done by setting the “film speed” or ISO sensitivity into the meter.
- ISO speed – traditionally used to “tell the camera” the film speed of the selected film on film cameras, ISO speeds are employed on modern digital cameras as an indication of the system’s gain from light to numerical output and to control the automatic exposure system. A correct combination of ISO speed, aperture, and shutter speed leads to an image that is neither too dark nor too light.
- Auto-focus point – on some cameras, the selection of a point in the imaging frame upon which the auto-focus system will attempt to focus. Many Single-lens reflex cameras (SLR) feature multiple auto-focus points in the viewfinder.
Many other elements of the imaging device itself may have a pronounced effect on the quality and/or aesthetic effect of a given photograph; among them are:
- Focal length and type of lens (•telephoto or “long” lens, macro, wide angle, fisheye, or zoom) Filters placed between the subject and the light recording material, either in front of or behind the lens
- Inherent sensitivity of the medium to light intensity and color/wavelengths.
- The nature of the light recording material, for example its resolution as measured in pixels or grains of silver halide.
Exposure and rendering
A photographer using a flash.
Camera controls are inter-related. The total amount of light reaching the film plane (the “exposure”) changes with the duration of exposure, aperture of the lens, and, the effective focal length of the lens (which in variable focal length lenses, can change as the lens is zoomed). Changing any of these controls can alter the exposure. Many cameras may be set to adjust most or all of these controls automatically. This automatic functionality is useful for occasional photographers in many situations.
The duration of an exposure is referred to as shutter speed, often even in cameras that don’t have a physical shutter, and is typically measured in fractions of a second. Aperture is expressed by an f-number or f-stop (derived from focal ratio), which is proportional to the ratio of the focal length to the diameter of the aperture. If the f-number is decreased by a factor of , the aperture diameter is increased by the same factor, and its area is increased by a factor of 2. The f-stops that might be found on a typical lens include 2.8, 4, 5.6, 8, 11, 16, 22, 32, where going up “one stop” (using lower f-stop numbers) doubles the amount of light reaching the film, and stopping down one stop halves the amount of light.
Exposures can be achieved through various combinations of shutter speed and aperture. For example, f/8 at 8 ms (=1/125th of a second) and f/5.6 at 4 ms (=1/250th of a second) yield the same amount of light. The chosen combination has an impact on the final result. In addition to the subject or camera movement that might vary depending on the shutter speed, the aperture (and focal length of the lens) determine the depth of field, which refers to the range of distances from the lens that will be in focus. For example, using a long lens and a large aperture (f/2.8, for example), a subject’s eyes might be in sharp focus, but not the tip of the nose. With a smaller aperture (f/22), or a shorter lens, both the subject’s eyes and nose can be in focus. With very small apertures, such as pinholes, a wide range of distance can be brought into focus.
Image capture is only part of the image forming process. Regardless of material, some process must be employed to render the latent image captured by the camera into the final photographic work. This process consists of two steps, development and printing.
During the printing process, modifications can be made to the print by several controls. Many of these controls are similar to controls during image capture, while some are exclusive to the printing process. Most controls have equivalent digital concepts, but some create different effects. For example, dodging and burning controls are different between digital and film processes. Other printing modifications include:
- Chemicals and process used during film development
- Duration of exposure – equivalent to shutter speed
- Printing aperture – equivalent to aperture, but has no effect on depth of field
- Contrast
- Dodging – reduces exposure of certain print areas, resulting in lighter areas
- Burning in – increases exposure of certain areas, resulting in darker areas
- Paper texture – glossy, matte, etc
- Paper type – resin-coated (RC) or fiber-based (FB)
- Paper size
- Toners – used to add warm or cold tones to black and white prints
Uses
Photography gained the interest of many scientists and artists from its inception. Scientists have used photography to record and study movements, such as Eadweard Muybridge’s study of human and animal locomotion in 1887. Artists are equally interested by these aspects but also try to explore avenues other than the photo-mechanical representation of reality, such as the pictorialist movement. Military, police, and security forces use photography for surveillance, recognition and data storage. Photography is used by amateurs to preserve memories of favorite times, to capture special moments, to tell stories, to send messages, and as a source of entertainment. Many mobile phones now contain cameras to facilitate such use.
Commercial advertising relies heavily on photography and has contributed greatly to its development.
History
Nicéphore Niépce’s earliest surviving photograph of a scene from nature, c. 1826. This image required an eight-hour exposure, which resulted in sunlight being visible on both sides of the buildings.
Photography is the result of combining several technical discoveries. Long before the first photographs were made, Chinese philosopher Mo Ti described a pinhole camera in the 5th century B.C.E,[3] Ibn al-Haytham (Alhazen) (965-1040) studied the camera obscura and pinhole camera,[4][3] Albertus Magnus (1193-1280) discovered silver nitrate, and Georges Fabricius (1516-1571) discovered silver chloride.[citation needed] Daniel Barbaro described a diaphragm in 1568.[citation needed] Wilhelm Homberg described how light darkened some chemicals (photochemical effect) in 1694.[citation needed] The fiction book Giphantie, by French author Tiphaigne de la Roche, described what can be interpreted as photography.[citation needed]
Photography as a usable process goes back to the 1820s with the development of chemical photography. The first permanent photograph was an image produced in 1825 by the French inventor Nicéphore Niépce. However, because his photographs took so long to expose, he sought to find a new process. Working in conjunction with Louis Daguerre, they experimented with silver compounds based on a Johann Heinrich Schultz discovery in 1724 that a silver and chalk mixture darkens when exposed to light. Niépce died in 1833, but Daguerre continued the work, eventually culminating with the development of the daguerreotype in 1837. Daguerre took the first ever photo of a person in 1839 when, while he taking a daguerreotype of a Paris street, a pedestrian stopped for a shoe shine, long enough to be captured by the long exposure (several minutes). Eventually, France agreed to pay Daguerre a pension for his formula, in exchange for his promise to announce his discovery to the world as the gift of France, which he did in 1839.
Meanwhile, Hercules Florence had already created a very similar process in 1832, naming it Photographie, and William Fox Talbot had earlier discovered another means to fix a silver process image but had kept it secret. After reading about Daguerre’s invention, Talbot refined his process so that portraits were made readily available to the masses. By 1840, Talbot had invented the calotype process, which creates negative images. John Herschel made many contributions to the new methods. He invented the cyanotype process, now familiar as the “blueprint”. He was the first to use the terms “photography”, “negative” and “positive”. He discovered sodium thiosulphate solution to be a solvent of silver halides in 1819, and informed Talbot and Daguerre of his discovery in 1839 that it could be used to “fix” pictures and make them permanent. He made the first glass negative in late 1839.
In March 1851, Frederick Scott Archer published his findings in “The Chemist” on the wet plate collodion process. This became the most widely used process between 1852 and the late 1880s when the dry plate was introduced. There are three subsets to the Collodion process; the Ambrotype (positive image on glass), the Ferrotype or Tintype (positive image on metal) and the negative which was printed on Albumen or Salt paper.
Many advances in photographic glass plates and printing were made in through the nineteenth century. In 1884, George Eastman developed the technology of film to replace photographic plates, leading to the technology used by film cameras today.
In 1908 Gabriel Lippmann won the Nobel Laureate in Physics for his method of reproducing colours photographically based on the phenomenon of interference, also known as the Lippmann plate.
Processes
A filter may be used to enhance or diminish the rendering of certain light wavelengths. For this photograph, a wratten #25 was used.
Black-and-white
All photography was originally monochrome, most of these photographs were black-and-white. Even after color film was readily available, black-and-white photography continued to dominate for decades, due to its lower cost and its “classic” photographic look. It is important to note that some monochromatic pictures are not always pure blacks and whites, but also contain other hues depending on the process. The Cyanotype process produces an image of blue and white for example. The albumen process which was used more than 150 years ago had brown tones.
Many photographers continue to produce some monochrome images. Some full color digital images are processed using a variety of techniques to create black and whites, and some cameras have even been produced to exclusively shoot monochrome.
Color
Color photography was explored beginning in the mid 1800s. Early experiments in color could not fix the photograph and prevent the color from fading. The first permanent color photo was taken in 1861 by the physicist James Clerk Maxwell.
Early color photograph taken by Prokudin-Gorskii (1915).
One of the early methods of taking color photos was to use three cameras. Each camera would have a color filter in front of the lens. This technique provides the photographer with the three basic channels required to recreate a color image in a darkroom or processing plant. Russian photographer Sergei Mikhailovich Prokudin-Gorskii developed another technique, with three color plates taken in quick succession.
Practical application of the technique was held back by the very limited color response of early film; however, in the early 1900s, following the work of photo-chemists such as H. W. Vogel, emulsions with adequate sensitivity to green and red light at last became available.
The first color plate, Autochrome, invented by the French Lumière brothers, reached the market in 1907. It was based on a ‘screen-plate’ filter made of dyed dots of potato starch, and was the only color film on the market until German Agfa introduced the similar Agfacolor in 1932. In 1935, American Kodak introduced the first modern (‘integrated tri-pack’) color film, Kodachrome, based on three colored emulsions. This was followed in 1936 by Agfa’s Agfacolor Neue. Unlike the Kodachrome tri-pack process, the color couplers in Agfacolor Neue were integral with the emulsion layers, which greatly simplified the film processing. Most modern color films, except Kodachrome, are based on the Agfacolor Neue technology. Instant color film was introduced by Polaroid in 1963.
Color photography may form images as a positive transparency, intended for use in a slide projector or as color negatives, intended for use in creating positive color enlargements on specially coated paper. The latter is now the most common form of film (non-digital) color photography owing to the introduction of automated photoprinting equipment.
[edit] Full-spectrum, ultraviolet and infrared
Main article: Full spectrum photography
Ultraviolet and infrared films have been available for many decades and employed in a variety of photographic avenues since the 1960s. New technological trends in digital photography have opened a new direction in full spectrum photography, where careful filtering choices across the ultraviolet, visible and infrared lead to new artistic visions.
Modified digital cameras can detect some ultraviolet, all of the visible and much of the near infrared spectrum, as most digital imaging sensors are sensitive from about 350nm to 1000nm. An off-the-shelf digital camera contains an infrared hot mirror filter that blocks most of the infrared and a bit of the ultraviolet that would otherwise be detected by the sensor, narrowing the accepted range from about 400nm to 700nm[5]. Replacing a hot mirror or infrared blocking filter with an infrared pass or a wide spectrally transmitting filter allows the camera to detect the wider spectrum light at greater sensitivity. Without the hot-mirror, the red, green and blue (or cyan, yellow and magenta) colored micro-filters placed over the sensor elements pass varying amounts of ultraviolet (blue window) and infrared (primarily red, and somewhat lesser the green and blue micro-filters).
Uses of full spectrum photography are for fine art photography, geology, forensics & law enforcement, and even some claimed use in ghost hunting.
Digital
A handheld digital camera.
The Nikon D1, the first DSLR to truly compete with, and begin to replace, film cameras in the professional photojournalism and sports photography fields.
Nikon DSLR and scanner, which converts film images to digital
Sony Ericsson K800i camera phone.
Traditional photography burdened photographers working at remote locations without easy access to processing facilities, and competition from television pressured photographers to deliver images to newspapers with greater speed. Photo journalists at remote locations often carried miniature photo labs and a means of transmitting images through telephone lines. In 1981, Sony unveiled the first consumer camera to use a charge-coupled device for imaging, eliminating the need for film: the Sony Mavica. While the Mavica saved images to disk, the images were displayed on television, and the camera was not fully digital. In 1990, Kodak unveiled the DCS 100, the first commercially available digital camera. Although its high cost precluded uses other than photojournalism and professional photography, commercial digital photography was born.
Digital imaging uses an electronic image sensor to record the image as a set of electronic data rather than as chemical changes on film. The primary difference between digital and chemical photography is that chemical photography resists manipulation because it involves film and photographic paper, while digital imaging is a highly manipulative medium. This difference allows for a degree of image post-processing that is comparatively difficult in film-based photography and permits different communicative potentials and applications.
Digital point-and-shoot cameras have become widespread consumer products, outselling film cameras, and including new features such as video and audio recording. Kodak announced in January 2004 that it would no longer sell reloadable 35 mm cameras in western Europe, Canada and the United States after the end of that year. Kodak was at that time a minor player in the reloadable film cameras market. In January 2006, Nikon followed suit and announced that they will stop the production of all but two models of their film cameras: the low-end Nikon FM10, and the high-end Nikon F6. On May 25, 2006, Canon announced they will stop developing new film SLR cameras.[6]
Camera phones, combined with sites like flickr have lead to a new kind of social photography.
Though most new camera designs are now digital, a new 6*6cm/6*7cm medium format film camera was introduced in 2008 in a cooperation between Fuji and Voigtländer.[7][8]
According to a survey made by Kodak in 2007, 75 percent of professional photographers say they will continue to use film, even though some embrace digital.[9]
According to the U.S. survey results, more than two-thirds (68 percent) of professional photographers prefer the results of film to those of digital for certain applications including:
- film’s superiority in capturing more information on medium and large format films (48 percent);
- creating a traditional photographic look (48 percent);
- capturing shadow and highlighting details (45 percent);
- the wide exposure latitude of film (42 percent); and
- archival storage (38 percent)
Because photography is popularly synonymous with truth (“The camera doesn’t lie.”), digital imaging has raised many ethical concerns. Many photojournalists have declared they will not crop their pictures, or are forbidden from combining elements of multiple photos to make “illustrations,” passing them as real photographs. Many courts will not accept digital images as evidence because of their inherently manipulative nature and they could be completely fake, do they only take solid evidence. Today’s technology has made picture editing relatively simple for even the novice photographer.
Recent changes of in-camera processing allows digital fingerprinting of RAW photos to verify against tampering of digital photos for forensics use.
Modes of production
Amateur
An amateur photographer is one who practices photography as a hobby and not for profit. The quality of some amateur work is comparable or superior to that of many professionals and may be highly specialised or eclectic in its choice of subjects. Amateur photography is often pre-eminent in photographic subjects which have little prospect of commercial use or reward.
Commercial
Manual shutter control and exposure settings can achieve unusual results.
Commercial photography is probably best defined as any photography for which the photographer is paid for images rather than works of art. In this light money could be paid for the subject of the photograph or the photograph itself. Wholesale, retail, and professional uses of photography would fall under this definition. The commercial photographic world could include:
- Advertising photography: photographs made to illustrate and usually sell a service or product. These images are generally done with an advertising agency, design firm or with an in-house corporate design team.
- Fashion and glamour photography: This type of photography usually incorporates models. Fashion photography emphasizes the clothes or product, glamour emphasizes the model. Glamour photography is popular in advertising and in men’s magazines. Models in glamour photography may be nude, but this is not always the case.
- Crime Scene Photography: This type of photography consists of photographing scenes of crime such as robberies and murders. A black and white camera or an infrared camera may be used to capture specific details.
- Still life photography usually depicts inanimate subject matter, typically commonplace objects which may be either natural or man-made.
- Food photography can be used for editorial, packaging or advertising use. Food photography is similar to still life photography, but requires some special skills.
- Editorial photography: photographs made to illustrate a story or idea within the context of a magazine. These are usually assigned by the magazine.
- Photojournalism: this can be considered a subset of editorial photography. Photographs made in this context are accepted as a documentation of a news story.
- Portrait and wedding photography: photographs made and sold directly to the end user of the images.
- Landscape photography: photographs of different locations.
- Wildlife photography that demonstrates life of the animals.
- Photo sharing: publishing or transfer of a user’s digital photos online.
The market for photographic services demonstrates the aphorism “one picture is worth a thousand words,” which has an interesting basis in the history of photography. Magazines and newspapers, companies putting up Web sites, advertising agencies and other groups pay for photography.
Many people take photographs for self-fulfillment or for commercial purposes. Organizations with a budget and a need for photography have several options: they can employ a photographer directly, organize a public competition, or obtain rights to stock photographs. Photo stock can be procured through traditional stock giants, such as Getty Images or Corbis; smaller microstock agencies, such as Fotolia; or web marketplaces, such as Cutcaster.
As an art form
Classic Alfred Stieglitz photograph, The Steerage shows unique aesthetic of black and white photos.
During the twentieth century, both fine art photography and documentary photography became accepted by the English-speaking art world and the gallery system. In the United States, a handful of photographers, including Alfred Stieglitz, Edward Steichen, John Szarkowski, F. Holland Day, and Edward Weston, spent their lives advocating for photography as a fine art. At first, fine art photographers tried to imitate painting styles. This movement is called Pictorialism, often using soft focus for a dreamy, ‘romantic’ look. In reaction to that, Weston, Ansel Adams, and others formed the f/64 Group to advocate ‘straight photography’, the photograph as a (sharply focused) thing in itself and not an imitation of something else.
The aesthetics of photography is a matter that continues to be discussed regularly, especially in artistic circles. Many artists argued that photography was the mechanical reproduction of an image. If photography is authentically art, then photography in the context of art would need redefinition, such as determining what component of a photograph makes it beautiful to the viewer. The controversy began with the earliest images “written with light”; Nicéphore Niépce, Louis Daguerre, and others among the very earliest photographers were met with acclaim, but some questioned if their work met the definitions and purposes of art.
Clive Bell in his classic essay Art states that only “significant form” can distinguish art from what is not art.
| “ | There must be some one quality without which a work of art cannot exist; possessing which, in the least degree, no work is altogether worthless. What is this quality? What quality is shared by all objects that provoke our aesthetic emotions? What quality is common to Sta. Sophia and the windows at Chartres, Mexican sculpture, a Persian bowl, Chinese carpets, Giotto’s frescoes at Padua, and the masterpieces of Poussin, Piero della Francesca, and Cezanne? Only one answer seems possible – significant form. In each, lines and colors combined in a particular way, certain forms and relations of forms, stir our aesthetic emotions. | “ |
On February 14th 2006 Sotheby’s London sold the 2001 photograph “99 Cent II Diptychon” for an unprecedented $3,346,456 to an anonymous bidder making it the most expensive of all time.
- Conceptual photography: Photography that turns a concept or idea into a photograph. Even though what is depicted in the photographs are real objects, the subject is strictly abstract.
Scientific and forensic
Original Tay Bridge from the north showing structure based on towers built from cast iron columns. When enlarged this plate shows a key design flaw in the bridge: the smaller surviving towers were supported by a continuous girder at their tops, while the fallen towers lack this essential reinforcing element.
Fallen Tay Bridge from the north. The two surviving high towers show a gap in their tops.
The camera has a long and distinguished history as a means of recording phenomena from the first use by Daguerre and Fox-Talbot, such as astronomical events (eclipses for example) and small creatures when the camera was attached to the eyepiece of microscopes (in photomicroscopy). The camera also proved useful in recording crime scenes and the scenes of accidents, one of the first applications being at the scene of the Tay Rail Bridge disaster of 1879. The court, just a few days after the accident, ordered James Valentine of Dundee to record the scene using both long distance shots and close-ups of the debris. The set of accident photographs was used in the subsequent court of inquiry so that witnesses could identify pieces of the wreckage, and the technique is now commonplace both at accident scenes and subsequent cases in courts of law. The set of over 50 Tay bridge photographs are of very high quality, being made on large plate cameras with a small aperture and using fine grain emulsion film on a glass plate. When scanned at high resolution, they can be enlarged to show details of the failed components such as broken cast iron lugs and the tie bars which failed to hold the towers in place. They show that the bridge was badly designed, badly built and badly maintained. The methods used in analysing old photographs are known as forensic photography.
Between 1846 and 1852 Charles Brooke invented a technology for the automatic registration of instruments by photography. These instruments included barometers, thermometers, psychrometers, and magnetometers, which recorded their readings by means of an automated photographic process.
5×7 in. unretouched photograph of the Wright brothers’ first flight, 1903.
Photographs have become ubiquitous in recording events and data in science and engineering.
Other image forming techniques
Besides the camera, other methods of forming images with light are available. For instance, a photocopy or xerography machine forms permanent images but uses the transfer of static electrical charges rather than photographic film, hence the term electrophotography. Photograms are images produced by the shadows of objects cast on the photographic paper, without the use of a camera. Objects can also be placed directly on the glass of an image scanner to produce digital pictures.
Social and cultural implications
There are many ongoing questions about different aspects of photography. In her writing “On Photography” (1977) Susan Sontag discusses concerns about the objectivity of photography. This is a highly debated subject within the photographic community (Bissell, 2000). It has been concluded that photography is a subjective discipline “to photograph is to appropriate the thing photographed. It means putting one’s self into a certain relation to the world that feels like knowledge, and therefore like power” (Sontag, 1977: p 4). Photographers decide what to take a photo of, what elements to exclude and what angle to frame the photo. Along with the context that a photograph is received in, photography is definitely a subjective form.
Modern photography has raised a number of concerns on its impact on society. The concept of the camera being a ‘phallic’ tool has been exemplified in a number of Hollywood productions. In Alfred Hitchcock’s Rear Window (1954), the camera is presented as a promoter of voyeuristic inhibitions. ‘Although the camera is an observation station, the act of photographing is more than passive observing’ [Sontag Susan 1977: p 12]. Michal Powell’s Peeping Tom (1960) portrays the camera as both sexual and sadistically violent technology that literally kills in this picture and at the same time captures images of the pain and anguish evident on the faces of the female victims.
“The camera doesn’t rape or even possess, though it may presume, intrude, trespass, distort, exploit, and, at the farthest reach of metaphor, assasinate- all activities that, unike the sexual push and shove, can be conducted from a distance, and with some detachment” [Sontag Susan 1977: p 12]
Photography is one of the new media forms that changes perception and changes the structure of society (Levinson, 1997). Further unease has been caused around cameras in regards to desensitization. Fears that disturbing or explicit images are widely accessible to children and society at large have been raised. Particularly, photos of war and pornography are causing a stir. (Sontag). Sontag is concerned that “to photograph is to turn people into objects that can be symbolically possessed”. Desensitization discussion goes hand in hand with debates about censored images. Sontag writes of her concern that the ability to censor pictures means the photographer has the ability to construct reality.
Jokes, Qoutes and Use of Jokes in your Speeches
For A Best Man Speech?
Joke 1
The husband says to his wife, “You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?”
She says, “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
He smirks and replies, “You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
She calmly replies, “Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?'”
Joke 2
In the Garden of Eden God called Adam to him and said, “Now I shall teach you how to kiss.”
“Lord, what is kiss?” asked Adam.
“I will show you,” said God and taught him all he needed to know about kissing. Whereupon Adam went to Eve and kissed her.
Then God called Adam back and said, “Now I shall teach you about intimacy.”
“Lord, what is Intimacy?” asked Adam.
“I will show you,” said God and taught him all he needed to know about intimacy. Adam then went to Eve, but came back almost immediately…
“Lord,” asked Adam, “what is headache?”
Joke 3
Two aerials met on a rooftop – fell in love – got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
For Any Speech Or Presentation
Joke 1
If you think YOUR day is going bad, just check out this story!
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving as an instructor off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
Joke 2
Two men are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in.
They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.
A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the Irish men and asks them “What on earth is going on?”.
One of the men replies saying, “Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today.”
For Business Speeches
Joke 1
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well, ” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well, ” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Joke 2
How many union guys does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?
Joke 3
I was in the VIP lounge last week on my way to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting in the corner enjoying a drink. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but he was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business.
I asked him if he would be willing to throw me a quick “Hello Chris” while I was with my client. He agreed.
A few minutes later while I was meeting with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, “Hi Chris, what’s happening?” To which I replied “Buzz off Gates, can’t you see I’m in a meeting!”
Joke 4
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Joke5
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, “I don’t get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation.”
The angel says, “We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?”
The preacher says, “Once in a while someone fell asleep.”
The angel says, “Right. And when people rode in this guy’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!”
Joke6
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”
Joke7
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:
My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, “It’s gonna be great”!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, “Those who can…do; those who can’t…teach”.
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself.
My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now.”
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, “Now I am married to you, a man of marketing”. The husband looked at his wife and simply said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it”.
Joke8
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
“Sod you! That’s the electrician’s job.”
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
“Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill.”
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
Joke9
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”
Joke10
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow”.
The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet”.
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45”!!
Joke11
An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla’s skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help!”
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “Shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”
Joke12
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
Joke13
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
Joke14
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Joke15
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”
Joke16
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”
Joke17
When the man in the street says: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” the lawyer writes:
“Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”
Joke18
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Joke19
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
Joke20
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6’”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the fucking difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”
Joke21
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Joke22
The English teacher’s husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.” She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”
Joke23
The Evolution of a Math Problem
1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?
1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?
1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?
1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.
1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
Joke24
(On going to war over religion:) “You’re basically killing each other
to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.”
** Rich Jeni
“I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a
black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.”
** Franck Dubosc
“I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.”
** Gary Valentine
(On the difference between men and women:) “On the one hand, we’ll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our
own jars.”
** Jeff Green
“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don’t blame everything on
Satan.'”
** John Wing
“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
‘Hold my purse.'”
** Francois Morency
“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals
out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.'”
** Rich Jeni
“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
** Tim Steeves
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.”
** Jimmy Shubert
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane :
Either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
** Rich Jeni
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s
reading.”
** Emo Philips
“What’s with squeegee kids? I mean, they don’t really wash the
windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt.”
** Ken Scott
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is.”
** Lenny Clarke
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
** Emo Philips
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,
‘Thyroid problem?'”
** Emo Philips
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re
in.”
** Rich Jeni
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
** Ren Hicks
“Things you’ll never hear a woman say : ‘My, what an attractive
scrotum!'”
** Jeff Green
List of Top Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked: Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked Joke
Work can be so tedious. Day in and day out, the same reports, the same tiny cubicle. Icons in cornflower blue and TPS reports. Coming to work naked would definitely spice up the day, wouldn’t it? I wonder if you could get away with it on a Casual Friday. It would have to be on reaaaaaally casual Friday, wouldn’t it? You’d definitely blow that weird guy and his Hawaiian shirts out of the water. That shirt is hideous, isn’t it? On the upside, going to work naked means your shoes match no-matter what you’re not wearing….
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
^ home ^ next page >>
“Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Wedding Speech
We have had a lot of requests in the past few months for some one liners for wedding speeches. We thought that it would be easy for people to find a good selection of these on the Internet – until we started looking. There are so many people trying to sell you something that we thought it was time that we put up this page to give you some free help with your wedding speech.
You may also wish to look at some one liners for a wedding speech, best man’s speech, bride speech, groom speech, maid of honour or
father of the bride.
We also have an article on how how to structure a wedding speech. This also contains information on the structure and etiquette of a wedding speech as well as the running order.
We also feature a selection of free wedding clip art.
Jokes and One Liners
Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for black gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop boring.
I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.
The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the moment you stand up to make a speech. – Herbert V Prochnow and Herbert V Prochnow Jnr
Every man needs a wife because things sometimes go wrong that you can’t blame on the government! – Unknown
“How To be Happy Though Married” – book by Rev. E.J.Hardy, 1910
Advice to person about to marry – Don’t. – Punch magazine, 1845
Let’s have a wedding – Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasure – Dr. Johnson
Composed that monstrous animal a husband and a wife – Henry Fielding
The bridal day, which is not long… – Spenser
The guest are met, the feast is set
May’st hear the merry din
– Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Wedlock, indeed, hath oft compared been
To public feasts, where meet a public rout
Where they that are without would fain go in
And they that are within would fain go out
– Sir John Davies (17c.)
For a light wife doth make a heavy husband – Shakespeare
How to structure a wedding speech
In this article we describe how to structure a wedding speech and the required ettiquette . We explore the order that you need to follow as well as a few hints for planning and delivery.
We also have included links to some of our other pages with jokes and one liners to make your wedding speech more memorable.
The normal structure of your wedding speech depends upon the speech you are giving – whether it is as the best man, bride, groom or father of the bride.
Father of the Bride Speech
Traditionally you are the person who was paying for the wedding so it usually falls to you to start off the speeches.
– You welcome everyone to the wedding and the groom’s parents into the family
– Say how beautiful the bride looks (you then have the chance to recount a story about when she was younger)
– Welcome the groom into the family
– Offer some advice or words of wisdom about married life (often a good place to tell a joke or two)
– Thank anyone who has made the wedding special (caterers, vicar etc)
– Propose a toast to the bride and groom
If you do not have a master of ceremonies you will then need to introduce the groom to speak.
Bride Groom’s Speech
You start by welcoming everyone into the family and often to make a point of praising people who have come out of their way to be present.
– You thank the bride’s parents for raising such a nice daughter (historically this was to thank them for giving you her hand in marriage)
– You give some thanks to people who have made the wedding or reception special
– You say some nice words about the bride
– You propose a toast to the bridesmaids
– You also thank the best man for coming and you have the option to say a few brief words about him
If you do not have a master of ceremonies you then introduce the Best Man to speak.
Best man speech
You start by thanking the groom for asking you to be his best man.
– You tell a few funny stories about the Groom
– If you know the bride, you may be able to tell a few anecdotes about the bride (be extra careful about this)
– You have the option to read out a couple of cards from people who were not able to attend (be brief on this as it can be a bit boring for the audience)
– If you like you could propose a final toast to the bride and groom – wishing them happiness in their life together.
If there is no master of ceremonies you will need to introduce the next item – cutting of the cake – or thank the audience and invite them to carry on with enjoying themselves.
Bride’s speech
There is no traditional formal structure to a bride’s speech – mainly as in the Victorian past it was only men who were expected to speak. However as a guide I would recommend the following structure.
– Thank everyone for coming
– Highlight any people who would like to have come, but were unable to come due to poor health
– Possibly tell the story of how you met the groom (if appropriate)
– Tell an amusing story
– Any special words that you would like to say
Since there is no formal structure, you should make sure that you have told the master of ceremonies where you would like to be featured.
^ home ^ next page >> “Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Best Man’s Speech
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
We also have a range of example best man speeches that you can use, or if you are really pressed for time we even have a “fill in the blanks” that you can crib and pass off as your own.
•How to write a best man speech
•Fill in the blanks speech
•Example of a witty speech by Ryan Marshall
Doing your duty you also find that your groom is starting to panic. Well we have also thought of that and have got a couple of pages specially for him.
•Fill in the blanks groom speech example
•Jokes and one liners
^ home ^ next page >> “Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Best Man’s Speech
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
We also have a range of example best man speeches that you can use, or if you are really pressed for time we even have a “fill in the blanks” that you can crib and pass off as your own.
•How to write a best man speech
•Fill in the blanks speech
•Example of a witty speech by Ryan Marshall
Doing your duty you also find that your groom is starting to panic. Well we have also thought of that and have got a couple of pages specially for him.
•Fill in the blanks groom speech example
•Jokes and one liners
Best man Jokes and One liners
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery – George Nathan
Here’s to the groom, a man who keeps his head though he loses his heart.
I had to make sure that (grooms name) day went according to plan,
so I took it upon myself to check (grooms name) post. I need to tell (grooms name) that the carpet people cannot supply your carpet this weekend, but you will get your underfelt tonight!
What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about _____.
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned _____’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
_____’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.
I tell the people that on a night of recent revelry I asked the groom what he wanted to get from his marrage. He said “Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.
And I want to be a model lover!” Being a naive chap I looked up “model” in the dictionary. It said “A small miniature replica of the real thing!”
To ____ and _______, may all their ups and downs be between the sheets.
Here’s to _____ a helluva pal, every girls guy and every guys gal.
He’s a prince, he’s a topper, he’s the King of the dance.
And he frightens the horses when he takes down his pants.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can – George Bernard Shaw
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments – Shakespeare
His designs were strictly honourable, as the saying is; that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage – Henry Fielding
A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride – Tennyson
There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time/
When asked “Why the third?”
‘He replied “One’s absurd/
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!” – Cosmo Monkhouse (19c.)
It seemed to me pretty plain, that they had more of love than matrimony in them – Oliver Goldsmith (18c.)
There you are. We hope that you enjoy being the best man and good luck with the speech!
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
Here is a funny example of a best man speech that has given by our speech writer – Ryan Marshall
There are probably elements of it that you could use in your own best man speech.
Example of a Best Man’s Speech
Ladies and gentlemen; bride and groom.
May I first say that the bridesmaids are looking absolutely smashing today (winks and points to one in a flirtatious yet funny way), and, only rightly so, second to none to our lovely bride, Lauren. I’m sure you will all agree with me there.
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ryan Marshall, a long time friend of Thomas’. I’ve known Tom for 15 years; ever since I blew my nose on his glasses case back in school. Since then, we have had many epic adventures together: from running away from school, running from the police, bar brawls, women and trips around the world. So the time we have spent together means that Tom has, in a way, shaped my sense of humour – so if you find this speech rather unfunny, you can blame him.
So, Tom – my wingman; my partner in crime. After all of our evenings in the pub with Tom chasing women around the pool table with his tongue hanging out in a drunken stupor, he finally found the woman of his dreams. For those who entered the lottery of this magnificent number, and Tom, we all know your lucky number now, 86. So, if you have that raffle ticket there’s a free drink waiting at the bar for you.
But Tom and I have had many memorable experiences together, that even now we still share over a pint:
our days off school, Tom making a cigarette out of a piece of A4 paper, our trip to America and our falls down the ski slopes – too many times we have come close to death. And now I have the honour of sharing the top table with him and standing as his best man. And for that, thanks mate.
Last week I asked Tom what he wanted from the marriage; he said long lasting love and a family, and of course, Lauren. Later that day I asked Lauren the same question. She replied: a toaster and a microwave. You see men – some are easy to please.
But, as I have had my orders from Lauren and Tom not to mention the stag night at String-fellows, I have had no alternative in finding another funny and embarrassing story to share with you.
So here goes:
On our ski trip to America in 2002, Tom and I had to share a bed – so Lauren, I know what you’re going through. Here is the number of my therapist if you need him. But anyway, it was cold and snowy when we arrived. Tom has always been a joker and the first thing he did when we got to our hotel was hide a rubber snake in my bed. It was 3 in the morning when I discovered it, and I nearly fainted. But instead of helping me, Tom sat back with a cup of coffee and laughed until he cried.
Unamused, I plotted revenge. The next night I opened the patio door on our second floor room, and carried him outside whilst he was sleeping. After I had locked the door, I woke him up. He was in nothing but his underpants. I told him that if he didn’t apologise I wouldn’t let him in – being a stubborn 17 year old he refused and chose to climb down the drainpipe instead. Half way down I opened the door and went to watch – the sight was hilarious. Picture this: Tom, 30 feet above the floor in only his underpants and stuck as the ledge beneath him had broken. I couldn’t stop laughing, and had no way of helping him either.
As for him, it got worse. It started to snow. And snow heavy. After a few more minutes of laughter and bombarding him with snowballs, I began to worry. He was turning blue, but me being the brains of our operation, had a plan. I got dressed, went outside and placed a skip under him to cushion his landing. After persuading him, for around 5 minutes, to fall into it, he let go and missed the skip.
He never forgave me for misplacing the skip. Nor, for getting all our other school friends outside to watch him.
Anyway that’s enough embarrassment for him today.
Tom has been a changed man since he met Lauren – not going to the pub so often so that he can spend more time with her. And nowadays he always has the largest smile on his face, one that they both have and I hope will keep for the rest of their lives.
Finally, there are a couple of thank-you’s that I’ve been asked to say.
Firstly, the seating arrangers. There was a method to where you are seated – the gift list. Mentioning no names, but Sue and Barry at the back, thanks for the candles.
Secondly, there are two people who have worked very hard in making tonight possible, so first a round of applause for them. Ladies and gents, the bar staff.
But on a serious note now, a massive thank you to everyone who has contributed and made Tom and Laurens day so wonderful.
Ladies and gentlemen. Please could you all stand and raise your glasses, and join me in wishing them both all the love and happiness a couple can possibly have.
To Thomas and Lauren.
The Bride’s Speech
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the man she married? – Barbara Streisand
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. – Dorothy Parker
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers. Maybe that’s why so many mothers cry at weddings! – Jenny Éclair
I was at a wedding recently where the Bride gave a speech to thank everybody for their wedding presents. Unfortunately, she’d had a bit too much to drink, and, pointing at a shiny new coffee percolator, said, “And finally I’d like to thank my husband’s parents for giving me such a lovely perky copulator.
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. – Shirley MacLaine
Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? – Virginia Woolf
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As ____ undressed for bed, her husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!” With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She said, “That’s right and that’s the way it’s going to be until your damn attitude changes.
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.” The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.” The third said, “Mine is like an old banger- he needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
Every man should marry – and no woman – Bernjamin Disraeli
The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’s clean linen in public – Oscar Wilde
Be plain in dress, and sober in your diet; In short, my deary, kiss me, and be quiet. — Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
^ home ^ next page >> “Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Bridegroom’s Speech
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the man she married? – Barbara Streisand
Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that’s the case, I’d like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it’s all downhill from here?
I remember the first time _____ and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, “Fancy a game of chess while you’re waiting?
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
Our parents helped us in every way, our friends encouraged us, and my girlfriend was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it – Arnold Bennett
‘Grow old along with me, The best is yet to be.’ – Robert Burns
I’d like to thank you for your presence and thank you for your presents – Steve Harris wedding speech in its entirety.
So there you are. I hope that you enjoy being a Bride Groom and enjoy the wedding. Good luck with the speech!
Jokes & Ideas for a Father of the Bride’s Speech
It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried. Even the cake was in tiers.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” she asks. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
There are only two times in a man’s life when he can’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage. (Anonymous)
Confucius say, “Man who sinks into woman’s arms;—Soon has his arms in woman’s sink”.—
We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.
Here’s to our wives and lovers. May they never meet.
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget once.
If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. – Chekhov
A husband and wife are getting cosy in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, ” I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” The husband asks why. She explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. They walk around and she tries on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife “We’ll take all three of them”. They then get matching shoes, a set of diamond earrings and a diamond bracelet. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) and goes to the pay desk. Her husband says, ” No – no – no, honey we ‘ re not going to buy all this stuff.”. His wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. ” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!
Marriage is like wine – It gets better with age. – Dudley Moore
A toast to sweethearts – May all sweethearts become married couples, and may all married couples remain sweethearts. – Unknown
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash
A gentleman, who had been very unhappy in marriage, married immediately after his wife died: Johnson said, it was the triumph of hope over experience – Dr. Johnson
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition – Samuel Pepys
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry – O. Henry
Marriage is like life in this – that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses – R.L. Stevenson
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity – George Bernard Shaw
I am not against hasty marriages, where a mutual flame is fanned by an adequate income – Wilkie Collins
Though women are angels, yet wedlock’s the devil – Byron
There you are. I hope that you enjoy your role as the father of the bride and good luck with the speech!
We have put together an example of a Maid of Honor (Leading Bridesmaid) speech that you can customise to your own requirements.
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
Maid of Honor Speech
(To follow the best man’s speech.)
Thanks to .. (The best man) .. for his enlightening speech there. I think I speak for a couple of us who have learned something new about the groom there. I don’t quite know how I’m going to follow what the best man said, but I’ll give it a try. I’d like to start by saying thanks for the compliments but all the bridesmaids that are over a certain age are all spoken for, sorry!
But me and .. (the Best Man) .., the best man, do agree on two things: firstly, .. (the bride).., she does look fantastic, and the dress is amazing. I just feel sorry for whomever it is that’s picking up the bill for it. Only joking .. (the Groom) .. it wasn’t too expensive, but the dress and your lovely wife combined look a million dollars. And secondly, I think we all agree that the couple are a match made in heaven – the perfect couple.
Every couple will have their ups and their downs; it’s inevitable, and they’re bound to have their differences.
For example, I asked .. (The Groom) .. what he wanted from the marriage. He said to me that he wanted happiness, a family and to be with his lovely wife until the end of time. And when I asked .. (The bride) .. what she wanted from the marriage, she replied, a new George Forman grill and a toaster. Not quite the same as .. (the Groom) .. , but still at least she is easy to satisfy.
I’ve known .. (the Bride) .. for X amount of years now. I’ve seen her with old boyfriends, but never happy, or in love. That’s how I knew that .. (the Groom ) .. was the one for her. The first time I saw them together, she was a different person. She was relaxed, happy and carefree. This must have been the way that .. (the Groom) .. made her feel, like the princess she is. He has shown her that she is special and shown her true love. I know that if I am half as happy and loved as .. (the bride) .. is when I get married, I will be blessed. And .. (the bride and Groom) .., it’s hard to put into words how seeing you together, so happy, makes all of us here today feel. And when we all witnessed you in the church today make those vows we all knew they would last forever.
I know how insecure the bride has felt in relationships before and this morning she was a bag of nerves, wondering if .. (the Groom) .. will show and listing all the things that may have gone wrong. So .. (the Bride) .. , I’ll tell you again what I told you this morning; . .. (the Groom) .. loves you. Your new life as Mrs ??? is just starting, so enjoy it.
.. (The Bride,) .. it is a real honour to be your Maid of Honour. I am deeply moved for even knowing you, and even more so that you would grant me this opportunity. So thank you very much.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please could you stand and raise your glasses once again for the “Bride and Groom”.
“Long may their love and happiness last”.
Here is another example of our “fill in the blanks” wedding speeches – Father of the Bride
Every father knows that one day his daughter will find a great man, fly the nest and get married. Every father also wishes his daughter the best of luck in finding the right man, one that will make her happy beyond belief. And when the time comes when this happens, all the father can do is observe and hope for the best for her. Today, that is my role.
As a child, Karen was outgoing, strong and loving, something that she has brought into her adult life. But along the way she has picked up many skills, some from working and some from love. But everything she has done has made me the proudest father I know. Always wanting to become better in what she does, and being the generally caring person that she is, makes me unbelievably proud. When I was giving her away today, I cannot deny I felt a loss. After all, I was giving my daughter away to be married. But when we reached the altar, I felt something else, and for a while I didn’t know what it was. But then it dawned on me, that the feeling I was having was joy and happiness that I was giving my daughter away and that she was happy, happier than I have ever seen her.
When I first met her now husband, Paul, I instantly knew he was a good man, and would not be the type to mess my daughter around. Over the next few weeks I saw my daughter become happier and more confident in herself, wearing clothes that previously she had thought “made her bum look big”, or for other reasons chose not to wear. But Paul changed that. He has brought her out of her shell, let her be herself and not tried to change her to make him happy. After seeing how she was after the first couple of weeks, I hoped for her sake that it wouldn’t end, and leave her upset and heartbroken. But deep inside I think I knew that with her, I could trust Paul.
My main fear as a parent was my daughter making the wrong decisions in life; marrying for the wrong reasons was one of these. But once I had got to know Paul, I couldn’t have chosen anybody more suitable. Simply for the way he treats and makes my daughter feel about herself, I cannot thank him enough. So Paul, thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would finally like to say a couple of thank you messages. Firstly, to my daughter and her husband, for making me the happiest, proudest father around today. Thank you. Secondly, to all of you for joining us in our celebrations here today; you have all helped make it such a magnificent occasion.
I am sure that I could go on all day thanking everybody, but I won’t bore you all now, but I will say it to you when I see you. Thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me as I wish the bride and groom all the happiness in the world. The Bride and Groom.
We accept no responsibility for these jokes!!!
Funny Speeches
Funny Speeches – Read This Great Example Of A Funny Speech
“Hi everyone, before I start could I just get confirmation from the BBC technicians in the other room that the canned laugher is ready to go the moment I crash and burn,..ok, lets go.
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to start by thanking Kevin on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words. I think they all look beautiful and have done a great job of looking after Gemma today. I would also like to thank everyone here on behalf of the bride and groom, for sharing their wedding day, particularly those who’ve travelled long way.
I think it’s fair to say that currently I feel like I’ve moved from the witness bench to the dock as I stand here before you, and yet I’m not the one who has been sentenced here today, sorry! That should be married. Still, as my jury I feel obliged to put the case for my defence before you.
When Kevin asked me to be his best man he dulled the fear I would experience by plying me with a few pints and offering me a tenner. I told him I couldn’t be bought, so then he offered me twenty-five quid, and I asked him if he thought I was cheap. Finally he offered me fifty quid. So good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, my name is Giles and I’m the best man!!
Kevin and I first meet about 7 years ago when we started working in the same company. Back then at work he was always known as a ‘god’; you would never see him, he was holier than thou, and if he did any work it was a bloody miracle! But times change and it’s good to see he’s moved on and settled down with someone as wonderful as Gemma.
Apparently, it’s my duty to offer a small piece of advice to the groom and Kevin will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football, ‘be fully committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday’ however, Gemma assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list!!
So with all this good advice flying around I decided to ask Kevin what he was looking for in a marriage; he replied love, happiness and a family. When I asked Gemma the same question, she thought for a moment and replied a ‘perky copulator’, sorry, I mean a ‘coffee percolator’.
At this point its traditional to read a few of the cards,
‘Dear Kevin, from all of us at Madame Thrashards spanking emporium we hope you have a great day. Ps many thanks for your annual subscription cheque.’
‘Dearest Kevy Wevy, I miss your strong arms, your tender loving ways, the way you whispered sweet nothings in my ear. I realise I am a loser in love, but I will never forget those wonderful evenings we spent together by the pool. Love forever, Michael Barrymore’
‘Dear Kevin & Gemma, Wishing you every happiness on your wedding day, unfortunately owing to unforeseen circumstances I can’t be there with you to celebrate your day in person. Lots of love, Al Sama Bin Laden.’
It therefore gives me great pleasure to invite you all to charge your glasses, and be upstanding as we toast the new couple, Mr & Mrs Meek, the bride & groom, ladies & gentlemen, ‘the bride & groom’.”
Family Entertaintment 