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Category Archives: Presentation
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Jokes, Qoutes and Use of Jokes in your Speeches
For A Best Man Speech?
Joke 1
The husband says to his wife, “You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?”
She says, “When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.”
He smirks and replies, “You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?”
She calmly replies, “Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ‘What other problem can there be greater than this one?'”
Joke 2
In the Garden of Eden God called Adam to him and said, “Now I shall teach you how to kiss.”
“Lord, what is kiss?” asked Adam.
“I will show you,” said God and taught him all he needed to know about kissing. Whereupon Adam went to Eve and kissed her.
Then God called Adam back and said, “Now I shall teach you about intimacy.”
“Lord, what is Intimacy?” asked Adam.
“I will show you,” said God and taught him all he needed to know about intimacy. Adam then went to Eve, but came back almost immediately…
“Lord,” asked Adam, “what is headache?”
Joke 3
Two aerials met on a rooftop – fell in love – got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
For Any Speech Or Presentation
Joke 1
If you think YOUR day is going bad, just check out this story!
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving as an instructor off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
Joke 2
Two men are going down the street, one digs a hole the second fills it in.
They carry on down the street and again one digs a hole and the second fills it in.
A passer by is bemused by this and goes over to the Irish men and asks them “What on earth is going on?”.
One of the men replies saying, “Our mate who plants the trees is off ill today.”
For Business Speeches
Joke 1
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
You must be an engineer” says the balloonist.
“I am” replies the man. “How did you know.”
“Well, ” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says “you must be in management.”
“I am” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well, ” says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
Joke 2
How many union guys does it take to change a light bulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?
Joke 3
I was in the VIP lounge last week on my way to Seattle. While in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting in the corner enjoying a drink. I was meeting with a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but he was running a bit late.
Being a forward type of guy, I approached Mr. Gates and introduced myself. I explained to him that I was conducting some very important business.
I asked him if he would be willing to throw me a quick “Hello Chris” while I was with my client. He agreed.
A few minutes later while I was meeting with my client, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at him.
He said, “Hi Chris, what’s happening?” To which I replied “Buzz off Gates, can’t you see I’m in a meeting!”
Joke 4
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
Joke5
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, “I don’t get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation.”
The angel says, “We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?”
The preacher says, “Once in a while someone fell asleep.”
The angel says, “Right. And when people rode in this guy’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!”
Joke6
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. “I’ve just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, “Bring him in. We’ll check it out.” A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy’s age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, ‘10,000 Shekels on Goliath’.”
Joke7
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her explanation:
My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, “It’s gonna be great”!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, “Those who can…do; those who can’t…teach”.
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it myself.
My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, “Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now.”
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, “Now I am married to you, a man of marketing”. The husband looked at his wife and simply said, “I know I have the product, I’m just not sure how to position it”.
Joke8
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
“Sod you! That’s the electrician’s job.”
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
“Are you kidding? They won’t even change a five dollar bill.”
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
Joke9
A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied “I just can’t do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can.”
Joke10
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow”.
The second one says: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet”.
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45”!!
Joke11
An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla’s skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.
On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He’s terrified and starts screaming, “Help, Help!”
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, “Shut up or we’ll both lose our jobs!”
Joke12
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
Joke13
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .
Joke14
What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Joke15
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head, and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”
But the bandit didn’t speak English, and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, “He said ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”
Joke16
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”
“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”
Joke17
When the man in the street says: “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” the lawyer writes:
“Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures.”
Joke18
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Joke19
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
Joke20
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father.
“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ‘6’”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the fucking difference?”
“That’s exactly what I said!”
Joke21
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Joke22
The English teacher’s husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, “Why, Susan, I’m surprised.” She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, “No. I am surprised. You are astonished.”
Joke23
The Evolution of a Math Problem
1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?
1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?
1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?
1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.
1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?
Joke24
(On going to war over religion:) “You’re basically killing each other
to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.”
** Rich Jeni
“I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese guy and a
black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton. You never know.”
** Franck Dubosc
“I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms.”
** Gary Valentine
(On the difference between men and women:) “On the one hand, we’ll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our
own jars.”
** Jeff Green
“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don’t blame everything on
Satan.'”
** John Wing
“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
‘Hold my purse.'”
** Francois Morency
“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals
out there. Type in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on
fire’ and the computer will say, ‘Specify type of goat.'”
** Rich Jeni
“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
** Tim Steeves
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.”
** Jimmy Shubert
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane :
Either you have diarrhoea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”
** Rich Jeni
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s
reading.”
** Emo Philips
“What’s with squeegee kids? I mean, they don’t really wash the
windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt.”
** Ken Scott
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is.”
** Lenny Clarke
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee – the
natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
** Emo Philips
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,
‘Thyroid problem?'”
** Emo Philips
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re
in.”
** Rich Jeni
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
** Ren Hicks
“Things you’ll never hear a woman say : ‘My, what an attractive
scrotum!'”
** Jeff Green
List of Top Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked: Top 10 Reasons to Work Naked Joke
Work can be so tedious. Day in and day out, the same reports, the same tiny cubicle. Icons in cornflower blue and TPS reports. Coming to work naked would definitely spice up the day, wouldn’t it? I wonder if you could get away with it on a Casual Friday. It would have to be on reaaaaaally casual Friday, wouldn’t it? You’d definitely blow that weird guy and his Hawaiian shirts out of the water. That shirt is hideous, isn’t it? On the upside, going to work naked means your shoes match no-matter what you’re not wearing….
1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!”
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it’s like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add “Exotic Dancer” to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.
^ home ^ next page >>
“Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Wedding Speech
We have had a lot of requests in the past few months for some one liners for wedding speeches. We thought that it would be easy for people to find a good selection of these on the Internet – until we started looking. There are so many people trying to sell you something that we thought it was time that we put up this page to give you some free help with your wedding speech.
You may also wish to look at some one liners for a wedding speech, best man’s speech, bride speech, groom speech, maid of honour or
father of the bride.
We also have an article on how how to structure a wedding speech. This also contains information on the structure and etiquette of a wedding speech as well as the running order.
We also feature a selection of free wedding clip art.
Jokes and One Liners
Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for black gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop boring.
I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.
The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the moment you stand up to make a speech. – Herbert V Prochnow and Herbert V Prochnow Jnr
Every man needs a wife because things sometimes go wrong that you can’t blame on the government! – Unknown
“How To be Happy Though Married” – book by Rev. E.J.Hardy, 1910
Advice to person about to marry – Don’t. – Punch magazine, 1845
Let’s have a wedding – Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasure – Dr. Johnson
Composed that monstrous animal a husband and a wife – Henry Fielding
The bridal day, which is not long… – Spenser
The guest are met, the feast is set
May’st hear the merry din
– Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Wedlock, indeed, hath oft compared been
To public feasts, where meet a public rout
Where they that are without would fain go in
And they that are within would fain go out
– Sir John Davies (17c.)
For a light wife doth make a heavy husband – Shakespeare
How to structure a wedding speech
In this article we describe how to structure a wedding speech and the required ettiquette . We explore the order that you need to follow as well as a few hints for planning and delivery.
We also have included links to some of our other pages with jokes and one liners to make your wedding speech more memorable.
The normal structure of your wedding speech depends upon the speech you are giving – whether it is as the best man, bride, groom or father of the bride.
Father of the Bride Speech
Traditionally you are the person who was paying for the wedding so it usually falls to you to start off the speeches.
– You welcome everyone to the wedding and the groom’s parents into the family
– Say how beautiful the bride looks (you then have the chance to recount a story about when she was younger)
– Welcome the groom into the family
– Offer some advice or words of wisdom about married life (often a good place to tell a joke or two)
– Thank anyone who has made the wedding special (caterers, vicar etc)
– Propose a toast to the bride and groom
If you do not have a master of ceremonies you will then need to introduce the groom to speak.
Bride Groom’s Speech
You start by welcoming everyone into the family and often to make a point of praising people who have come out of their way to be present.
– You thank the bride’s parents for raising such a nice daughter (historically this was to thank them for giving you her hand in marriage)
– You give some thanks to people who have made the wedding or reception special
– You say some nice words about the bride
– You propose a toast to the bridesmaids
– You also thank the best man for coming and you have the option to say a few brief words about him
If you do not have a master of ceremonies you then introduce the Best Man to speak.
Best man speech
You start by thanking the groom for asking you to be his best man.
– You tell a few funny stories about the Groom
– If you know the bride, you may be able to tell a few anecdotes about the bride (be extra careful about this)
– You have the option to read out a couple of cards from people who were not able to attend (be brief on this as it can be a bit boring for the audience)
– If you like you could propose a final toast to the bride and groom – wishing them happiness in their life together.
If there is no master of ceremonies you will need to introduce the next item – cutting of the cake – or thank the audience and invite them to carry on with enjoying themselves.
Bride’s speech
There is no traditional formal structure to a bride’s speech – mainly as in the Victorian past it was only men who were expected to speak. However as a guide I would recommend the following structure.
– Thank everyone for coming
– Highlight any people who would like to have come, but were unable to come due to poor health
– Possibly tell the story of how you met the groom (if appropriate)
– Tell an amusing story
– Any special words that you would like to say
Since there is no formal structure, you should make sure that you have told the master of ceremonies where you would like to be featured.
^ home ^ next page >> “Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Best Man’s Speech
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
We also have a range of example best man speeches that you can use, or if you are really pressed for time we even have a “fill in the blanks” that you can crib and pass off as your own.
•How to write a best man speech
•Fill in the blanks speech
•Example of a witty speech by Ryan Marshall
Doing your duty you also find that your groom is starting to panic. Well we have also thought of that and have got a couple of pages specially for him.
•Fill in the blanks groom speech example
•Jokes and one liners
^ home ^ next page >> “Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Best Man’s Speech
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
We also have a range of example best man speeches that you can use, or if you are really pressed for time we even have a “fill in the blanks” that you can crib and pass off as your own.
•How to write a best man speech
•Fill in the blanks speech
•Example of a witty speech by Ryan Marshall
Doing your duty you also find that your groom is starting to panic. Well we have also thought of that and have got a couple of pages specially for him.
•Fill in the blanks groom speech example
•Jokes and one liners
Best man Jokes and One liners
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should at once throw in his job and go to work in the brewery – George Nathan
Here’s to the groom, a man who keeps his head though he loses his heart.
I had to make sure that (grooms name) day went according to plan,
so I took it upon myself to check (grooms name) post. I need to tell (grooms name) that the carpet people cannot supply your carpet this weekend, but you will get your underfelt tonight!
What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about _____.
I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned _____’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.
_____’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.
I tell the people that on a night of recent revelry I asked the groom what he wanted to get from his marrage. He said “Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.
And I want to be a model lover!” Being a naive chap I looked up “model” in the dictionary. It said “A small miniature replica of the real thing!”
To ____ and _______, may all their ups and downs be between the sheets.
Here’s to _____ a helluva pal, every girls guy and every guys gal.
He’s a prince, he’s a topper, he’s the King of the dance.
And he frightens the horses when he takes down his pants.
It is a woman’s business to get married as soon as possible, and a man’s to keep unmarried as long as he can – George Bernard Shaw
Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments – Shakespeare
His designs were strictly honourable, as the saying is; that is, to rob a lady of her fortune by way of marriage – Henry Fielding
A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride – Tennyson
There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wives at a time/
When asked “Why the third?”
‘He replied “One’s absurd/
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!” – Cosmo Monkhouse (19c.)
It seemed to me pretty plain, that they had more of love than matrimony in them – Oliver Goldsmith (18c.)
There you are. We hope that you enjoy being the best man and good luck with the speech!
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
Here is a funny example of a best man speech that has given by our speech writer – Ryan Marshall
There are probably elements of it that you could use in your own best man speech.
Example of a Best Man’s Speech
Ladies and gentlemen; bride and groom.
May I first say that the bridesmaids are looking absolutely smashing today (winks and points to one in a flirtatious yet funny way), and, only rightly so, second to none to our lovely bride, Lauren. I’m sure you will all agree with me there.
For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Ryan Marshall, a long time friend of Thomas’. I’ve known Tom for 15 years; ever since I blew my nose on his glasses case back in school. Since then, we have had many epic adventures together: from running away from school, running from the police, bar brawls, women and trips around the world. So the time we have spent together means that Tom has, in a way, shaped my sense of humour – so if you find this speech rather unfunny, you can blame him.
So, Tom – my wingman; my partner in crime. After all of our evenings in the pub with Tom chasing women around the pool table with his tongue hanging out in a drunken stupor, he finally found the woman of his dreams. For those who entered the lottery of this magnificent number, and Tom, we all know your lucky number now, 86. So, if you have that raffle ticket there’s a free drink waiting at the bar for you.
But Tom and I have had many memorable experiences together, that even now we still share over a pint:
our days off school, Tom making a cigarette out of a piece of A4 paper, our trip to America and our falls down the ski slopes – too many times we have come close to death. And now I have the honour of sharing the top table with him and standing as his best man. And for that, thanks mate.
Last week I asked Tom what he wanted from the marriage; he said long lasting love and a family, and of course, Lauren. Later that day I asked Lauren the same question. She replied: a toaster and a microwave. You see men – some are easy to please.
But, as I have had my orders from Lauren and Tom not to mention the stag night at String-fellows, I have had no alternative in finding another funny and embarrassing story to share with you.
So here goes:
On our ski trip to America in 2002, Tom and I had to share a bed – so Lauren, I know what you’re going through. Here is the number of my therapist if you need him. But anyway, it was cold and snowy when we arrived. Tom has always been a joker and the first thing he did when we got to our hotel was hide a rubber snake in my bed. It was 3 in the morning when I discovered it, and I nearly fainted. But instead of helping me, Tom sat back with a cup of coffee and laughed until he cried.
Unamused, I plotted revenge. The next night I opened the patio door on our second floor room, and carried him outside whilst he was sleeping. After I had locked the door, I woke him up. He was in nothing but his underpants. I told him that if he didn’t apologise I wouldn’t let him in – being a stubborn 17 year old he refused and chose to climb down the drainpipe instead. Half way down I opened the door and went to watch – the sight was hilarious. Picture this: Tom, 30 feet above the floor in only his underpants and stuck as the ledge beneath him had broken. I couldn’t stop laughing, and had no way of helping him either.
As for him, it got worse. It started to snow. And snow heavy. After a few more minutes of laughter and bombarding him with snowballs, I began to worry. He was turning blue, but me being the brains of our operation, had a plan. I got dressed, went outside and placed a skip under him to cushion his landing. After persuading him, for around 5 minutes, to fall into it, he let go and missed the skip.
He never forgave me for misplacing the skip. Nor, for getting all our other school friends outside to watch him.
Anyway that’s enough embarrassment for him today.
Tom has been a changed man since he met Lauren – not going to the pub so often so that he can spend more time with her. And nowadays he always has the largest smile on his face, one that they both have and I hope will keep for the rest of their lives.
Finally, there are a couple of thank-you’s that I’ve been asked to say.
Firstly, the seating arrangers. There was a method to where you are seated – the gift list. Mentioning no names, but Sue and Barry at the back, thanks for the candles.
Secondly, there are two people who have worked very hard in making tonight possible, so first a round of applause for them. Ladies and gents, the bar staff.
But on a serious note now, a massive thank you to everyone who has contributed and made Tom and Laurens day so wonderful.
Ladies and gentlemen. Please could you all stand and raise your glasses, and join me in wishing them both all the love and happiness a couple can possibly have.
To Thomas and Lauren.
The Bride’s Speech
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the man she married? – Barbara Streisand
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. – Dorothy Parker
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
Husbands are like fires. They go out if left unattended. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
Most girls seem to marry men who happen to be like their fathers. Maybe that’s why so many mothers cry at weddings! – Jenny Éclair
I was at a wedding recently where the Bride gave a speech to thank everybody for their wedding presents. Unfortunately, she’d had a bit too much to drink, and, pointing at a shiny new coffee percolator, said, “And finally I’d like to thank my husband’s parents for giving me such a lovely perky copulator.
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. – Shirley MacLaine
Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? – Virginia Woolf
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As ____ undressed for bed, her husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I can’t wear your pants,” she said. “That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!” With that, she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.” He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, “Hell, I can’t get into your panties!” She said, “That’s right and that’s the way it’s going to be until your damn attitude changes.
Three women were talking about their love lives. The first said, “My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.” The second said, “Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.” The third said, “Mine is like an old banger- he needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it’s still going.”
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
Every man should marry – and no woman – Bernjamin Disraeli
The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous. It looks so bad. It is simply washing one’s clean linen in public – Oscar Wilde
Be plain in dress, and sober in your diet; In short, my deary, kiss me, and be quiet. — Lady Mary Wortley Montagu
^ home ^ next page >> “Quotes, Jokes & Ideas for a Bridegroom’s Speech
Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the man she married? – Barbara Streisand
Many people say that your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. So, if that’s the case, I’d like to ask the husbands amongst you, does that mean it’s all downhill from here?
I remember the first time _____ and I dated. When I arrived at the house, her father said she was just putting the finishing touches to her make-up and would be down presently. Then he added, “Fancy a game of chess while you’re waiting?
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
Our parents helped us in every way, our friends encouraged us, and my girlfriend was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word.She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.” The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Being a husband is a whole-time job. That is why so many husbands fail. They cannot give their entire attention to it – Arnold Bennett
‘Grow old along with me, The best is yet to be.’ – Robert Burns
I’d like to thank you for your presence and thank you for your presents – Steve Harris wedding speech in its entirety.
So there you are. I hope that you enjoy being a Bride Groom and enjoy the wedding. Good luck with the speech!
Jokes & Ideas for a Father of the Bride’s Speech
It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried. Even the cake was in tiers.
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” she asks. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
There are only two times in a man’s life when he can’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage. (Anonymous)
Confucius say, “Man who sinks into woman’s arms;—Soon has his arms in woman’s sink”.—
We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.
Here’s to our wives and lovers. May they never meet.
Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb
The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget once.
If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. – Chekhov
A husband and wife are getting cosy in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, ” I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.” The husband asks why. She explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. They walk around and she tries on three very expensive outfits. He then tells his wife “We’ll take all three of them”. They then get matching shoes, a set of diamond earrings and a diamond bracelet. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care) and goes to the pay desk. Her husband says, ” No – no – no, honey we ‘ re not going to buy all this stuff.”. His wife’s face goes blank. “No honey – I just want you to hold this stuff for a while. ” Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!
Marriage is like wine – It gets better with age. – Dudley Moore
A toast to sweethearts – May all sweethearts become married couples, and may all married couples remain sweethearts. – Unknown
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it. Whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash
A gentleman, who had been very unhappy in marriage, married immediately after his wife died: Johnson said, it was the triumph of hope over experience – Dr. Johnson
Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition – Samuel Pepys
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry – O. Henry
Marriage is like life in this – that it is a field of battle, and not a bed of roses – R.L. Stevenson
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity – George Bernard Shaw
I am not against hasty marriages, where a mutual flame is fanned by an adequate income – Wilkie Collins
Though women are angels, yet wedlock’s the devil – Byron
There you are. I hope that you enjoy your role as the father of the bride and good luck with the speech!
We have put together an example of a Maid of Honor (Leading Bridesmaid) speech that you can customise to your own requirements.
You may also find our article on how how to structure a wedding speech useful. This also contains information on how to structure a best man’s speech.
Maid of Honor Speech
(To follow the best man’s speech.)
Thanks to .. (The best man) .. for his enlightening speech there. I think I speak for a couple of us who have learned something new about the groom there. I don’t quite know how I’m going to follow what the best man said, but I’ll give it a try. I’d like to start by saying thanks for the compliments but all the bridesmaids that are over a certain age are all spoken for, sorry!
But me and .. (the Best Man) .., the best man, do agree on two things: firstly, .. (the bride).., she does look fantastic, and the dress is amazing. I just feel sorry for whomever it is that’s picking up the bill for it. Only joking .. (the Groom) .. it wasn’t too expensive, but the dress and your lovely wife combined look a million dollars. And secondly, I think we all agree that the couple are a match made in heaven – the perfect couple.
Every couple will have their ups and their downs; it’s inevitable, and they’re bound to have their differences.
For example, I asked .. (The Groom) .. what he wanted from the marriage. He said to me that he wanted happiness, a family and to be with his lovely wife until the end of time. And when I asked .. (The bride) .. what she wanted from the marriage, she replied, a new George Forman grill and a toaster. Not quite the same as .. (the Groom) .. , but still at least she is easy to satisfy.
I’ve known .. (the Bride) .. for X amount of years now. I’ve seen her with old boyfriends, but never happy, or in love. That’s how I knew that .. (the Groom ) .. was the one for her. The first time I saw them together, she was a different person. She was relaxed, happy and carefree. This must have been the way that .. (the Groom) .. made her feel, like the princess she is. He has shown her that she is special and shown her true love. I know that if I am half as happy and loved as .. (the bride) .. is when I get married, I will be blessed. And .. (the bride and Groom) .., it’s hard to put into words how seeing you together, so happy, makes all of us here today feel. And when we all witnessed you in the church today make those vows we all knew they would last forever.
I know how insecure the bride has felt in relationships before and this morning she was a bag of nerves, wondering if .. (the Groom) .. will show and listing all the things that may have gone wrong. So .. (the Bride) .. , I’ll tell you again what I told you this morning; . .. (the Groom) .. loves you. Your new life as Mrs ??? is just starting, so enjoy it.
.. (The Bride,) .. it is a real honour to be your Maid of Honour. I am deeply moved for even knowing you, and even more so that you would grant me this opportunity. So thank you very much.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please could you stand and raise your glasses once again for the “Bride and Groom”.
“Long may their love and happiness last”.
Here is another example of our “fill in the blanks” wedding speeches – Father of the Bride
Every father knows that one day his daughter will find a great man, fly the nest and get married. Every father also wishes his daughter the best of luck in finding the right man, one that will make her happy beyond belief. And when the time comes when this happens, all the father can do is observe and hope for the best for her. Today, that is my role.
As a child, Karen was outgoing, strong and loving, something that she has brought into her adult life. But along the way she has picked up many skills, some from working and some from love. But everything she has done has made me the proudest father I know. Always wanting to become better in what she does, and being the generally caring person that she is, makes me unbelievably proud. When I was giving her away today, I cannot deny I felt a loss. After all, I was giving my daughter away to be married. But when we reached the altar, I felt something else, and for a while I didn’t know what it was. But then it dawned on me, that the feeling I was having was joy and happiness that I was giving my daughter away and that she was happy, happier than I have ever seen her.
When I first met her now husband, Paul, I instantly knew he was a good man, and would not be the type to mess my daughter around. Over the next few weeks I saw my daughter become happier and more confident in herself, wearing clothes that previously she had thought “made her bum look big”, or for other reasons chose not to wear. But Paul changed that. He has brought her out of her shell, let her be herself and not tried to change her to make him happy. After seeing how she was after the first couple of weeks, I hoped for her sake that it wouldn’t end, and leave her upset and heartbroken. But deep inside I think I knew that with her, I could trust Paul.
My main fear as a parent was my daughter making the wrong decisions in life; marrying for the wrong reasons was one of these. But once I had got to know Paul, I couldn’t have chosen anybody more suitable. Simply for the way he treats and makes my daughter feel about herself, I cannot thank him enough. So Paul, thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I would finally like to say a couple of thank you messages. Firstly, to my daughter and her husband, for making me the happiest, proudest father around today. Thank you. Secondly, to all of you for joining us in our celebrations here today; you have all helped make it such a magnificent occasion.
I am sure that I could go on all day thanking everybody, but I won’t bore you all now, but I will say it to you when I see you. Thank you.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me as I wish the bride and groom all the happiness in the world. The Bride and Groom.
We accept no responsibility for these jokes!!!
How to Present Yourself During a Job Interview
You just made a state-of-the-art resume, asked for the full package, and sent it off to a company. Now, what will happen once that brilliant resume lands on the hands of your interviewer? Learn how to prepare yourself for the moment you were anxiously waiting for;
Instructions
Things You’ll Need:
•Research
•Conservative, professional clothing
Step
1First thing’s first: Research. This is your chance to make your interviewer’s jaw drop. Study the company you’re aiming for to better understand its accomplishments and overall system. A good source is usually the company’s website, if available. Being able to talk about the organization with confidence will fully imply you’re doing the homework. Do yourself a favor and take initiative.
Step
2While researching the organization, also make sure you try to collect some information from the interviewer. Useful information could go from learning and pronouncing his/her name properly, to what sports or goals the interviewer has achieved. If he/she has a high ranking in the company, the interviewer may be even listed on the site, along with some personal information that may be useful to you.
Step
3Dress to impress! Companies need to know that you’re a professional, not just the person next door who rarely takes care of the way he/she dresses. Usually a conservative suit (black or gray, for instance) would do the job, and your future boss will love you for it. Trust me. When it comes to clothing, just make sure you look conservative, traditional, and professional.
Step
4Be confident. The thing you want to avoid the most is being paranoid, because this will only lead to unnecessary outcomes. Being confident may include giving a firm hand shake, a positive attitude, a nice, striking smile, and keeping eye contact.
Step
5Be ready to answer some common questions! Possible interview questions may include: – Why did you leave your last job (if any) – What do you consider to be your strengths and weaknesses – What did you enjoy the most about your last job – What are your future career goals – Why do you think you would be a good candidate in our organization Whatever you do, just remember to breathe and take things one step at a time. In the end, DO NOT overly ponder what the interviewer will say or ask! By all means stay alert, but do not get ahead of yourself. This will only make you hesitate when responding back to him/her.
Step
6Stay right on point. Whatever questions the interviewer asks you, make sure you answer in a detailed, yet concise way. They simply need to know the why, what, how, etc. Save the small talk for whenever it is appropriate, such as a conversation ice-breaker about the weather.
Step
7The interview is not all about being overly serious. While sitting on the hot seat, smile frequently and actually MEAN IT. Send a powerful message that you’re a humorous person. Everyone loves a down-to-earth individual. You don’t have to sit there frozen like a stone either. Just make sure you do this at the right time, and your true colors will surely be noticed.
Tips & Warnings
After the interview is over, send the interviewer a nice thank-you note a day or two later. This will show him/her it is in your best interest that you land the job you’re looking for.
Family Entertaintment 